It Feels Like Home

Sometimes, we meet people in the most unexpected time and in the most unexpected ways. It’s insane how one day, there’s this complete stranger and then before you know it, this same person turns into someone who you can barely imagine your life without.

I get too overwhelmed and too caught up in my own emotions that it just gets too damn much to handle—to the point where  I don’t even know what to fucking do with them. That’s when I usually write shit like this one or start crying, but more on the latter if we’re really going to be honest here.

So… do you believe in soul mates?  I never did. I think it’s just this superficial thing that the media or the society or some kind of drunken ass motherfucker came up with to mess with people’s heads. I was like, seriously? People actually buy into this whole bullshit? Why, though??? I’ve always been a big believer that we are individuals and our souls are our own and  not attached to some other person who may, quite possibly, be living on the other side of the planet and the only time that our souls may be connected to another person is when we have a twin.

I never really thought of actually looking up the definition of it but I figure that it’s this one person in the universe who you feel this seriously intense connection with, it’s like your souls were separated at birth or somewhere along the way or something along the lines of that. Who knows? I don’t know.

Then a few days ago, I was thinking about it so intently and so seriously I was almost banging my head on the wall because that’s how ridiculous I felt at the time. I was always so cynical about the whole concept of it that even the thought that it may actually exist really gets me all rattled on the inside. Then the thought that I have probably already met my soul mate makes me feel even more overwhelmed than necessary.

Apparently, it happens that way. You meet a person and then you have this unexplainable and undeniable connection with him/her and bam! You feel this instant rush of blood and shiver up and down your spine and you wonder (if you’re as much of a cynic as I am), what the hell is this shit? You know well enough that you love this person—that you are in love with this person but you realize that you’ve been there before and you’ve been in love before. So what the hell is the fucking difference? Well, it’s probably the fact that you’ve never felt that kind of being in love before.

That’s when you start questioning every single thing that you used to be (or thought you were) or stuff that you used to believe in (or not believe in). You think about all those things that you used to tell other people about who you are as a person and who you are as a partner and what you like or don’t like in a relationship. And blablabla…

You think about all these things and then at the same time, you think about this person that you are in a relationship with. You think about how you always said “love me for who I am or don’t love me at all”. Of course in the past there were always compromises and adjustments as I don’t think that ever goes away in any relationship but personally, I try to minimize to as much as I can because again, “you fell in love with me this way so deal with it”.

But now it’s just all different because even when you know that this person loves you for exactly who you are and never did or say anything to change you, you still feel this willingness to change because you know that you can be better. You know that you are better and that you have to be better because this person deserves nothing less.

And then all hell (or maybe that was the heavens opening up to me or something) breaks loose and I was completely and utterly stumped. I didn’t know how I could handle so much emotion; such grave passion and love for one single human being. I didn’t—still don’t, actually—know how I could fit all of them in my tiny body. I was so fucking overwhelmed that of course, I just started crying. A few days later, I was still crying. Even after weeks and months, I was still crying. Every single time I put it out there, every single time I blurt out the words “I love you”, I just feel like my heart’s about to explode because of how much love it’s actually feeling and then all I could do is just cry.

Then I realize that this person—my person—is making me feel so much that not even my heart or my brain or my entire body for that matter could handle. Maybe this is what they meant about soul mates. You feel this intense connection with someone and you can’t even comprehend where it’s coming from but you know for a fact that it’s there. Like it’s so unexplainable that no word from any edition of a Merriam-Webster Dictionary could ever perfectly define what it is that you’re truly feeling.

It used to be that you love a person because of this, because of that. Now, you love this person just because. You can’t even give any reason because it’s just there, you just feel it. And you look into their eyes and then you just feel like you’re meant to be looking at them and they’re meant to be looking back at yours. You just feel like you’re right where you’re supposed to be. You feel like you’re home.

And I tell you, there’s not a better feeling in the world. So… do you believe in soul mates? Because I do. And I’m betting all my cards that I’ve already met mine.

 

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