Trying to Tune Everything Out

When you feel all fucked up in the head and nobody understands—nobody’s trying to understand, that’s when you know that you’re really fucked.

I have been suffering from anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. At this point, I don’t even know what caused it, or if there’s even a reason why it started in the first place. I had a fucked up childhood and had a fucked up life growing up, but I’ve come a long way from that. But still, I have this—I feel this.

And it comes at me at any given time of day or week or month without any actual reason. I just feel it and it sucks. It sucks the life out of me and it sucks my will to live.

Yes, I have suicidal thoughts and I often feel like just ending my life. I feel useless and worthless and nobody seems to understand that no matter what other people say or do or no matter what I say to myself or do to divert those hideous thoughts, it’s still there. It will always be there.

I have been to therapy before. I took medicated anti-depressants before. And none of them really helped.

I’m trying to help myself. I’m trying to seek help from other people—friends, loved ones. But they can’t; they just don’t understand. I’m left with this stupid “advice” of “just think happy thoughts”, “think about us, your family, before thinking about killing yourself”, “there are other people who have it worse than you”, do this, do that.

Thank you very much, but bullshit. Don’t you think that I have thought about those things? But those don’t stop me from feeling this way, do it?

It’s not that easy and people can’t understand it. My own partner can’t understand it. And it pains me to my core that I’m in this alone. I’m the only one who can help me and I don’t even know where to begin because I am so lost in my own depressive thoughts.

I just want this go away. I need this to go away. I want silence. I just want to end it.

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4 thoughts on “Trying to Tune Everything Out

  1. Of course you have the right to feel this way. It’s your thoughts. Don’t give up though… ultimately this life with all its blemishes and flaws is worth it. I mean, just look at the beautiful flowers you posted. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Vee, if you feel like talking, I’m here. 🙂

    “Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

    Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

    Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

    Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

    Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

    Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

    Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

    Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

    Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

    And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”

    Liked by 1 person

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